Why is turning 30 a trigger for anxiety?

There is something about turning 30 that seems to be triggering feelings of anxiety and dissatisfaction with clients’ lives. From my experience, turning 30 seems to be more of a significant milestone for women than it does for men. They start questioning their life choices and decisions. They seem to become more critical of themselves. They ask themselves “why haven’t I achieved what I thought I would have achieved by now?” or “why haven’t I met my soul mate, found the perfect job and bought that dream house in the desirable leafy location?”

Is it that expectations societal are so much higher than they once were or is it that they are fuelled by a social media that is out of tune with the reality of everyday living? I have met women who appear bright successful and confident on the outside but they have a nagging and seemingly inexplicable feeling of failure that feels punitive and hostile to their own wellbeing. Their inner critic has taken over a large part of who they are and it is the main driver in creating feelings of inadequacy. They are the Instagram generation, who once they hit 30, their negative social comparison goes into overdrive. They feel like they haven’t done enough with their lives. They are 30 but feel they’re running out of time.

So, where do these feelings come from?

The rise in anxiety amongst millennials is widely reported. At least one in six of us will experience some form of anxiety, condition at least one point in our lives. Indeed, these levels of anxiety are probably under- reported. So, it’s no wonder that the looming deadline of 30, makes people question what they have achieved and where they are in terms of their life “tick list”, especially when they compare themselves to others in their social and work circles.

In her book, “The defining decade – why your Twenties matter and how to make the most of them now”, Clinical Psychologist Dr Meg Jay argues that your twenties are the most defining decade of adulthood and that we can’t afford to frit away those precious years. She argues life choices need to nailed down in our twenties otherwise, we’ll be playing catch up for their rest of our lives. The argument for building the foundations for the rest of your life in your twenties is a sensible one if you have a clear idea of your identity and your life path, however this adds further pressure if you feel unable to make decisions until you’ve experienced more of what life has to offer.

How can therapy help?

Therapy helps people to change and to know themselves better. It helps clients challenge their life scripts and early unconscious decisions and helps them grow into themselves. That includes being ok about not being what you envisaged when you hit 30. Therapy can help clients place some boundaries around those triggering Insta pics and anxiety provoking Facebook posts as that’s only giving oxygen to unhealthy comparisons. Therapy can help clients focus on themselves and take the significance out of turning 30. It’s only a number after all.

Reference:

The Defining Decade, M. Jay (2016), Cannongate Books, Edinburgh